What did you expect?
This question came to me at the right time and by the right person. I was on the verge of quitting when a good mentor came and asked me this question. Granted anyone else, I may have bitten their head off, as my emotions were high. But at this moment, it was the exact thing I needed to hear to shake me back down to the ground and take the step back.
Have you ever been there? To the point of frustration that you just don’t know what to do? Maybe you have so many mixed emotions all you want to do is run, or maybe you want to fight? We all respond differently to challenging circumstances, and sometimes it is in our best interest to find a way to regulate these responses. Maybe it’s that question that we can ask ourselves during the tumultuous moments to bring us back down to the ground. Out of overreaction and out of making an emotional decision. Or maybe it is skills we can cultivate for emotional regulation.
Now years later, any time I find myself in a struggle, this same question always rings in my head, “what did you expect” Guaranteed, the problem is not the situation, BUT it was my expectations of the situation that led to unwanted emotions. For some reason to this day I still believe people will react the way I think they will (Go figure, I haven’t learned yet), I still believe in the good of humanity. But that is just it, it is after all HUMANITY. We are flawed, imperfect, emotional, selfish beings at times. We are triggered, we reject to protect, we abandon, we leave, we quit, and yes, we get upset.
So, as I sit here, and reflect on “emotional regulation”, which yes, this is a skill by the way… I believe it comes back to what I have control over. Can I control other’s responses or reactions? No. But take it a step even further than that is, can I control my expectations of others? Yes. Stop letting your expectations get in the way of your purpose. Don’t let it derail you, be mindful of your expectations. Lastly, learn to ask yourself the right questions. Learn to reflect and make it daily practice. Be accountable to yourself, did I do the best I could? Did I give it the best effort? Did I have any malicious intent? Be honest with yourself, because at the end of the day, you are the only thing you can control. The rest, well you have to let it go.
The Path Forward
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences in a healthy and constructive way. It is a key skill for maintaining mental well-being, fostering positive relationships, and achieving personal goals. Here are some steps to help improve emotional regulation:
1. Recognize Your Emotions
Step 1: Develop self-awareness by identifying and labeling your emotions. Pay attention to physical cues (e.g., tension, rapid heartbeat) and thoughts that accompany different feelings.
Practice: Keep a journal or pause throughout the day to ask yourself how you're feeling, why, and what triggered it.
2. Understand the Cause
Step 2: Explore the root cause of your emotional response. Ask yourself questions like:
What triggered this emotion?
Are my expectations or assumptions influencing how I feel?
Is there a deeper issue or unmet need underlying the emotion?
Practice: Reflect on past situations where you felt strong emotions and identify patterns or common triggers.
3. Pause and Breathe
Step 3: When you notice your emotions escalating, take a break to pause and breathe deeply. This helps to slow your heart rate, calm your nervous system, and gain perspective before reacting impulsively.
Practice: Try deep breathing exercises (e.g., inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4) to create a moment of pause when you feel overwhelmed.
4. Reframe Your Thoughts
Step 4: Challenge any negative or distorted thinking patterns that may be fueling your emotional response. Consider alternative perspectives that are more balanced or realistic.
Practice: Replace "catastrophic" thinking with more neutral or positive thoughts. For example, instead of thinking, "This is a disaster," reframe it to, "This is challenging, but I can handle it."
5. Practice Mindfulness
Step 5: Engage in mindfulness exercises to stay present in the moment, without judgment. Mindfulness helps you observe your emotions without letting them control you.
Practice: Practice mindfulness meditation or simple grounding techniques (e.g., focusing on your senses—what you see, hear, smell, feel) to stay in the present moment.
6. Use Healthy Coping Strategies
Step 6: Find healthy ways to manage intense emotions, such as exercise, creative outlets (art, music, writing), relaxation techniques, or talking to a trusted person.
Practice: Develop a list of coping strategies that work for you and use them regularly to manage stress and emotions.
7. Set Realistic Expectations
Step 7: Reevaluate your expectations of yourself, others, and situations. Unrealistic or rigid expectations often lead to frustration and emotional upset.
Practice: Adjust your expectations to be more flexible and aligned with reality, recognizing that life and people are unpredictable.
8. Develop Emotional Resilience
Step 8: Build your resilience by embracing challenges as opportunities for growth. Practice patience, self-compassion, and the ability to adapt to change.
Practice: Reflect on past experiences where you overcame difficult emotions, and identify strengths you used to handle them.
9. Seek Support
Step 9: Don't hesitate to seek support when emotions feel overwhelming. Talking to a therapist, mentor, or trusted friend can help you process emotions in a safe and constructive environment.
Practice: Build a support network of people you can trust and turn to for emotional guidance and perspective.
10. Learn from Experience
Step 10: After the emotional situation has passed, reflect on what worked and what didn’t in regulating your emotions. Use these insights to improve your responses in the future.
Practice: Regularly engage in self-reflection and consider keeping a journal to track your emotional patterns and growth.
Final Thoughts:
Emotional regulation is a lifelong skill that improves with practice. The key is to recognize that emotions are natural and provide valuable insights, but they don't have to dictate our actions. By consistently working on these steps, you can improve your ability to manage emotions, reduce stress, and respond to life’s challenges in a more balanced way.
If you found this helpful then please like and share! Email Dr. Ross at coach@renewperformance.org to schedule your own free consultation.
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